Friday, November 11, 2011

So What's This All About?

So, “Physician, heal thyself” is a phrase that we have all heard.  It originated from the Bible (notice: the first and last time I will ever quote the bible) and refers to being able to do for yourself and your own people what you are able to do for others.  Seems simple enough.  My hairdresser always seems to have a killer do, and I bet a chef’s wife or husband eats pretty well at home.  But despite the fact that the phrase directly refers to physicians (although applies to everyone), this seems to be a completely alien concept to physicians.  We all know how challenging it is to take care of patients that don’t take care of themselves- well doctors make shitty patients- and that is only one reason why.
Becoming a physician has always meant sacrifice- probably more than many of us realized when we got ourselves into this- sacrifice of sleep, nutrition, relationships, exercise, bathroom breaks... and too often, by the end of training our last shreds of compassion.  We sacrifice all of these things for years to be in a position to take care of other people.  The profession was somehow built with the understanding that, in order to be good physicians, we must sacrifice our right to take care of ourselves to take care of other people. In the doctor/patient relationship- ONLY the patient is allowed to have needs.  It’s funny how medical schools have such a big push toward teaching “Humanism in Medicine” these days but in every other way expect you to be completely inhuman.
I recently finished my long and painful journey through the trenches of medical training- the years that we all claw our way through trying to keep a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel in view- that warm light that will magically transform us back into real humans.  Well, I’m out of the tunnel, and I still can’t seem to find this light.  (Jaded young doctor- oh, how cliche... stick with me though) I’ve done plenty of moping and commiserating with other young colleagues (which is how I know I’m not alone in this) about false expectations and regrets and feelings of being trapped.  Frankly, I feel like I have gotten myself into a huge mess that I can’t get myself out of and fear that I may never be happy again (ouch, heavy, I know).  
My dad passed away in 2005, but whenever I feel like I’m in a mess, it helps to imagine myself talking to him about it.  His response to any of my problems was always pretty much the same anyway, “So what are you doing about it?”  Simple, but it would always make me embarrassed to realize that the answer was too often “nothing, just complaining.”  So I guess in this situation, dad would have said “Physician, heal thyself” (albeit in a manner slightly less biblical), so that is what I’m doing here- attempting to heal myself through writing and whatever else it takes. To find my way back to happiness whether that be in medicine or not.  It was a long journey to get me to this point, and it may be a long journey to get me out- but I’m going to find that light, dammit!  Wherever it may be.  I hope that my blog entries will be therapeutic for me but maybe for other people too.  After all, that is what this physician thing is all about, right?

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